This request landed us with Vlad (made up name) an adorable 19 month old, and according to our IA doctor he was the best referral he had ever seen. Wow, what luck. Our doctor said his biggest issue was red hair meaning he probably was not treated as nicely as other children. We said yes to little Rusty right away. He was adopted by Russians. Lucky boy!
Our agency asked if we wanted another referral and we said yes, please, as soon as possible. We weren't sad about Vlad, he was meant for someone else. We were not ready for what happened next. A day or so later we received an email with three little boys. I don't have much to complain about when it comes to our agency, but that email is at the top of our list. It just didn't feel right to pick. How could you choose? After we looked at the email I just forward it all to the doctor, Jim and I decided we would just do what he said. He said Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). We said we weren't ready for that. Turning down all three of those boys was awful. Just a disaster. I felt like I was shopping for a child, I felt guilty, I felt just like I wasn't meant to pick. I actually felt so bad about letting go of all of those boys that I didn't tell many people.
Next we got a referral for a 22 month old. He looked perfect to me. He had that dent you need above your top lip, that dent that says "I probably don't have FAS" He had a set of fixable crossed eyes, and he was just pain sweet looking. I felt very confident in him as I forwarded him on to our doctor. Our doctor had a whole list of risk factors that I won't go into, and it was another no.
A grand total of 5 lovely babies. One adopted by others and four that we didn't think where meant for our family. I'll admit it. I read other blogs of people turning down babies, and it always boggled my mind, made me upset, and I just didn't understand it. I didn't understand it until I had to live it. You just need to do what is best for your family and for these children.
Finally this photo arrived.
This was the first child we saw smiling! A month later we were hanging out with him in the playroom at his orphanage.
Lucky kid, lucky parents!
ReplyDeleteWow - in his referral pictures he looks happy & healthy. He doesn't have that typical "institutionalized look". That is so rare and you are so fortunate!!!
ReplyDeleteWe turned down our first referral because of FAS. We were very, very sad but were not attached to her pictures. We just knew something was very wrong beyond our capabilities. Our second referral was extremely healthy and I thought she was breathtakingly beautiful with huge blue eyes. She got a "go get her right now" from the IA Doctor. Then the day before we were to leave for Russia we were told a Russian family was adopting her. We were beyond crushed, and even 2 months later when we got CJ's referral we weren't over referral #2. Plus CJ's medical was pretty risky. Kevin and I were just talking about it earlier this week - how looking back we realize just how risky her medical report was. Isn't it amazing how everything works out the way it's supposed to?
It's funny- with as many referals as we've had to turn own, I'm always shocked when someone accepts the very 1st one and I think "Wow, how did they luck out!" We had 1 C Palsey, 1 FAE, 1 emotional/mental issue we don't have a name for, 1 decent referral with a screwy, deal-closing agency, and finally our Sunshine. And sometimes I feel guilty that we turned down so many, too. But those were babies God didn't have for our family. And it gives me more faces to pray for, so I wonder if perhaps that was one of His plans all along. :o)
ReplyDeleteWow! It seems like just yesterday when I was reading your blog and you had travel booked (I think) to go see Vlad. Time flies.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea that there were other referrals before Oliver - I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm sure it must have been so difficult.
But I am so so so happy that you've got your handsome little Oliver home with you now.
Trisha, I don't think I knew about the 3 referrals you had to turn down! I am so sorry! I know personally how gut wrenching that was for us. So glad you have Oliver, and his referral pictures are amazing!
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